is it normal to have doubts in a relationship

Is It Normal to Have Doubts in a Relationship and Why?

You may be wondering if it is normal to have doubts in a relationship and if they make you a bad partner if you do. Many people have doubts about a relationship, and it is up to that person whether they let it ruin their relationship.

If you feel you are having doubts in your relationship and aren’t sure how to handle it, don’t worry, you’re not alone. This article will help you to understand your feelings, and how to keep your relationship going strong, despite these feelings.

Are You A Bad Person for Having Doubts in Your Relationship?


Having doubts about your relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It is very normal and considered to occur in most relationships at least once. Studies show that pretty much anyone in some sort of relationship has doubts or concerns about their partner at some point in their relationship.

That means any partnership, people who are dating, people who are engaged, and even people who are married. It usually happens after the honeymoon phase starts to dissipate. You will have your first realization that you aren’t as perfectly designed for each other as it seemed.

It can be something simple or something serious. Maybe you realize you don’t know as much about them as you thought, or maybe they drink milk straight from the carton. It doesn’t matter what it is. The fact that it makes you realize that everything isn’t perfect sunshine and roses is what is significant, and usually what causes doubts.

Sometimes it can be external factors in your relationship. Maybe one of your friends keeps pointing out your partner’s faults, or you meet someone that seems like a better match for you and you wonder if your relationship is the right one.

While it isn’t necessarily bad to have these doubts, not opening up or acknowledging them can lead to problems. You can’t let these doubts and worries fester, or they can lead to problems in your relationship. Some people let these doubts take over, and call it quits before things get too serious or to try to prevent problems from happening. Don’t let this happen to you.

Can You Still Love Someone and Have Doubts?

You may have doubts even if you are completely in love with someone. It is very common, and there is no reason to be worried or concerned when this occurs. Having doubts doesn’t mean you are any less in love with them.

In fact, it may be a sign that you love them a lot. Doubts are often our fears in a different form. If you are afraid of losing your relationship or messing something up, then it means you care about the person enough to not want to lose them.

Should You Tell Your Partner That You Have Doubts?

Tell Your Partner

It can be good to discuss fears and doubts you have. You don’t want to ever accuse your partner, but discussing any issues or worries you have can let them know what is bothering you. It can also open up communication between you. Perhaps they have worries of their own.

Who knows, you both may have the same worries, and talking about them may make you realize how silly you are both being, or they can find a way to show you that your fears are unfounded.

12 Reasons You May Have Doubts About Your Relationship


1. Find Attraction to Someone Else

Maybe you have found some random person when out on your day and started to talk to them. They’re cute, they’re funny, and you find yourself thinking about them long after the conversation is over.

Perhaps you even flirted a bit, and now feel like you might be happier with that stranger than in your relationship. Or that because you are attracted to someone else, it means you no longer love your partner.

However, even if you are in a loving and committed relationship, it is normal to find yourself briefly attracted to someone else. As long as you don’t act on that attraction, you should be more than fine and well within normal behavior in a relationship.

2. Their Family Doesn’t Get Along with You

Sometimes, in-laws are a pain. They can be mean, invasive, and just try and cause problems. While having a good relationship with in-laws can make the relationship strong, that doesn’t mean it is necessarily the end of the relationship if your partner’s family doesn’t get along with you.

If your in-laws just have no desire to compromise, work with your partner to find something that creates a healthy and safe relationship for the two of you. Tell your partner when you are uncomfortable or hurt, so they know when they need to stand up for you or help you leave.

3. You Feel Like You Are Settling

If you haven’t been in a lot of relationships, you may feel like you are settling when you are staying with your partner. This fear tends to pop up, especially around big commitments like moving in together or getting engaged.

Remember the saying, “the grass is always greener on the other side”? That is what you are feeling. You feel that while your relationship might be good now, you are missing out on a better opportunity.

However, it is always important to keep in mind that there is no perfect person. While you may be just as happy with someone else, you will still have problems, doubts, and baggage to deal with, no matter the partner.


4. Putting Your Own Feelings on Them

Sometimes, when you have a problem with a partner, it may actually be a problem with your self-image. For example, are you afraid to trust your partner, though they haven’t done anything to prove they are untrustworthy? Perhaps you feel like they can’t be trusted because you are hiding a secret of your own.

Or, if you feel like your partner doesn’t love you, or will realize you don’t deserve love, it may be because you don’t love yourself, and worry they must feel the same way as you.

5. Added Stress to Your Relationship

Stress can raise fears and make problems feel worse than they are. They may be things that have always seemed minor but increase in the event of stress. It is the same way you get irritated when you are overwhelmed.

Usually, you may not mind that they don’t shave, but one day, it may just seem like an overwhelming hurdle you aren’t sure you can get over. During stressful situations, like losing a job, a new baby, family problems, and medical situations, these fears may seem prominent or bigger than they were.

6. Fear You Are Holding Each Other Back

Sometimes your doubts come about from planning for the future. Does your partner have big plans that would involve them moving far away, and you aren’t sure you can follow? Maybe you are worried that your dreams and goals are so incompatible that you won’t be able to make it work.

This is a legitimate fear, and it does happen. But you won’t know if it will happen to you and your partner until it does. Try to focus on living in the moment, and tackle things as they come, instead of trying to tackle problems that haven’t even occurred yet.


7. Fears from Previous Relationships or Trauma

Perhaps you have been cheated on in previous relationships or abused, and fear that will repeat with every new relationship, even if everything seems to be going great. You may start snooping, starting fights if they are out too long, or questioning everything they do.

It is important to work to separate the past from the present in your current relationship and to communicate with them healthily, so they understand the struggles you have.

8. Mental Sabotage

If you have fears of intimacy, because you don’t want to be vulnerable, or you have seen bad relationships in the past, you may start to create doubts in your head. You may even find more things to make problems about, even if they weren’t a big deal.

This may happen if you feel you are too vulnerable and opening up too much, if you worry you are moving too fast, or if you are starting to feel more for your partner.

9. Think They Are no Longer Attracted to You

Maybe you feel like your partner isn’t treating you as they once did. Perhaps they don’t want to have sex as often or seem distracted when you hang out. You may start to have doubts about whether they still love you, or they are planning on leaving you.

Communication can help to make them realize how you are feeling, and make them recognize they are acting in some way they didn’t even notice.

Too Good

10. Feel It Is Too Good to Be True

Some people may start having doubts if the relationship is too good. They expect problems, more fights, or things to be harder than they are.

Unfortunately, these people tend to create a self-fulfilled prophecy where they create problems when there weren’t any to make the relationship feel more normal.

Practicing mindfulness so you can be aware of your behaviors and when you are acting out on your doubts is important.

11. Fear You Don’t Have A Lot in Common

Are you starting to learn more about each other and are beginning to realize you don’t have a lot in common? Maybe your values are different, or you have different expectations of a partner, or maybe you just don’t share any hobbies.

This can be a valid fear, because having things in common makes it easier to bond, and reduces the likelihood of a fight. However, this can also be an opportunity to try new things and see things from another’s perspective.

12. Aren’t Satisfied in Bed

Sometimes, unfortunately, even with someone you love dearly, the sex isn’t great. Other times, you may realize that you have different sex drives, leading to frustration and hurt feelings.

That doesn’t mean that the relationship is doomed. Your partner isn’t a mind reader and doesn’t know what you are thinking, or what you need in bed.

Communication is one of the biggest things to do to make fun times more exciting. Tell your partner what you like, what you don’t like, and what you want to try.

You can also find ways to compromise, if one of you has a higher sex drive, or wants to be a little more adventurous in bed.

How to Deal with Relationship Doubts in Your Relationship: 8 Ways


1. Communicate

Everyone gets annoyed watching romances when the whole problem can be fixed by talking, right? Why did she just storm off when she saw him with another girl, instead of just asking if it was his sister? It seems obvious when we are watching it on the screen.

Unfortunately, relationships in real life don’t always seem so obvious when we are living in them. While big, dramatic scenes like that rarely happen in real life, there are still plenty of situations where having a healthy discussion can change the dynamic and fix the problem.

The most important part of any relationship is communication. Whether you have doubts about a relationship or not, proper communication is key to having lasting and meaningful relationships. But talking with your partner can help to keep your relationship going where it would otherwise fail due to misunderstandings, doubts, fears, or problems.

So make sure you have healthy and open communication regularly to make sure everything is alright and you two are still on the same page.

2. Journal

Sometimes, we just need to get our thoughts out. Even if they are stupid, we just need to let out the thoughts so they aren’t sitting in our brains. Journaling can help us to get our doubts out of our heads and somewhere physical.

Later, when you are calmer, you can analyze these emotions and doubts and see if there is a reason for these doubts or what might be causing them. Are you simply self-sabotaging, or is there something specific that is triggering these worries? Maybe your partner can help you to calm these fears and doubts by doing something specific.

Maybe you read back through it and realize it isn’t a serious problem like you once thought. When you go back and read it, you may just realize you were stressed at the moment, or that it is a silly irritation that doesn’t matter much now.

At the very least, journaling can help you get your thoughts straight so when you do talk to your partner about your doubts, you can talk about them in an organized and logical way, instead of rambling or struggling to get to the point in a way they will understand.

3. Think of the Positives

It is easy to focus only on the negatives. Maybe you have bickered a few times this week. In your mind, it may feel like you are now always fighting, but in reality, they were just short little bursts of anger.

Don’t only focus on the negatives or the doubts. Instead, think about the positives. Whether you are journaling or doing this in your head, try to think of one positive part of your relationship for every negative.

Try to match or beat the seriousness of the negative. For example, if drinking out of the carton bothers you, maybe think about how they always cook dinner or bring home your favorite snack.

If they don’t say they love you as much as you want, think about how they are always checking up on you, like asking if you’ve eaten or listening to you talk about your day.

This will help you realize that things aren’t as bad as they might initially seem, and make you acknowledge the good parts of the relationship as well.

Make a list of the positives, and add to it when you notice something or had a good day. On bad days, you can review the list.

4. Know That Nothing Is Black-and-White

No one is perfect, and because someone has some unattractive traits or behaviors doesn’t mean you are in a bad relationship or that you aren’t a good person. Even the worst partners have good qualities, and the best partner has some bad qualities.

It is about finding out the reality of the situation, and understanding what you are willing to handle. Look at the percentage. How much of your relationship is fun and welcoming, and how often are you walking on eggshells and are scared or nervous? You won’t ever see completely 100% or 0%, but a range in the middle.

What range are you willing to deal with, and which range is safe for you? Expecting perfection from a partner will only ruin a relationship and never give you a partner you are happy with. You have to be willing to accept some levels of baggage and problems.


5. Make Sure the Doubts Aren’t Serious

There are some doubts you may have which can be a problem. There is a big difference between healthy doubting and red flags.

With doubts, usually, they are about the whole of the relationship, such as the future, or your compatibility. Doubts are usually invalid, but just worries you have about possibilities.

Red flags, on the other hand, are specifically about your spouse and their previous actions and behaviors. Usually, if you look at these feelings and your relationship, you can see that these fears have valid reasons why you might think they might be a possibility.

Here are some examples of doubts that actually might be red flags about your partner:

• They are keeping secrets about where they go
• They are seeing other people and not telling you
• They have physically hurt you, and shown no remorse or blamed you
• They have hurt you more than once on purpose, even if they show remorse
• You are not allowed or able to see friends and family
• They speak only negatively of your friends and family
• They make a lot of negative comments that make you feel bad about yourself often
• They get angry often and can’t control it
• They won’t stop bringing up the past and using problems against you
• You only ever listen and talk about what they did or what they want to talk about, not about your day or your problems
• You set boundaries they constantly break or don’t care about
• They are hypocritical, getting mad at you for certain behaviors but not seeing a problem when they do the same behaviors or actions

6. Make Sure You Trust Your Outside Influences

There are always going to be people who are jealous of your relationship. Whether they are doing it on purpose or not, they may make attempts to poison your relationship. Maybe they will only bring up your partner’s negatives, or do things that will make you question your relationship.

Family members can be a problem. Maybe they don’t approve of your partner, or they never approve of your partner. They may try to make you break up with them by spreading lies, or bringing up every issue they make.

While it is good to have confidants that can tell you when there are serious problems in your relationship, you want to make sure those confidants are looking out for your happiness and best interests, otherwise, you may allow them to fill your head up with doubts on accident.

7. Don’t Compare Your Relationships to Others

It’s hard not to compare relationships to others. You may be constantly finding yourself comparing this relationship to your previous ones. Those who self-sabotage even compare their relationship to their partner’s previous one.

Even if you don’t do that, you may compare your relationship to those around you. Perhaps your friends, neighbors, and family members all seem to have relationships without fighting and they always seem to be stupidly in love.

Every relationship works a little differently. And you have to remember that many times, people hide the negative parts of their relationship. Your neighbors may seem cute and perfect in person and on social media, but they likely have doubts or fights of their own. In fact, the relationships that seem to be the most perfect are also the most strained.

Even if your parents seem like they have the best relationship, they’ve probably had fights, doubts, and parts of their partner that irritate them. It is a part of life and everyone makes compromises for someone they love.

It’s also important to realize that not all relationships move at the same pace. Your parents might have been married within six months of meeting, but that doesn’t mean your relationship has to be the same way.

You and your partner could go years without even being engaged. This doesn’t automatically mean that your relationship isn’t as important or solid as your parent’s. It just means you two are growing in different ways than the relationships around you.

Many people start to create problems in their relationship when they expect it to have the same timeline as everyone else’s. Maybe all your friends are married and having their second kid, and you and your partner aren’t even living together yet.

You may worry that this is because you two aren’t as close, or you aren’t on the same page. Communication can help this, but you also need to focus on your relationship and its own pace rather than worrying about what everyone around you is doing.

If you want to know for sure that you aren’t alone, search engines like Google can be really useful. Just start typing in your doubts, and you will see that many people have similar questions and fears.

8. Realize Your Doubts Are Normal Imposter Thoughts

Doubts are normal, and it is important to never forget this. Like when you get a job you never thought you deserved, and you feel like an imposter. This is known as imposter syndrome when you feel like you are faking your way through a career or job path.

It works similarly in relationships. You may think that you don’t deserve this relationship, or things are going too well. This may cause you to start to imagine or create problems where there weren’t any before.

It is important to be aware of when you are exaggerating or causing problems due to fear. You may act out of control, or do things on purpose to get reactions from your partner that confirm your fear and you may end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Work hard to change your ways so you don’t cause problems in your relationship to confirm your fears.

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